My family has one crummy pay-as-you-go phone we share. It’s not compatible with the jail’s video systems, so my kids and I can’t see my wife at all. If they’d just let us visit her, it would be so much easier.

My son wanted to give me a hug on my birthday. Apparently, that’s too much of a security risk, considering I’ve been convicted of DUI and all. I had sure been looking forward to seeing him… but this has helped me decide that I really do want to become a super-criminal. Another criminal justice success …

While I was in jail for jaywalking, I wasn’t allowed to talk to my wife and kids except through a crummy, expensive video link thing. Know who I was allowed to talk with as much as I wanted..? Some really talented burglars. Thanks for my new career, I guess.